Now I’m really starting to hate Christmas. Particularly that fact that every housewife with the attention span of a hyperactive puppy and an SUV the size of a school bus is out on the damn roads, causing traffic and making it impossible to drive around the mall parking lot (let alone actually park). I spent half an hour in traffic behind some idiot bitch in an GMC Environmental Holocaust® or whatever that 6-mpg thing is, with freaking bumper stickers all over it. I’m so pissed it was already dark and the picture I tried to take with my camera phone didn’t come out – you might not believe this nonsense without the photographic evidence. All 6 of the bumper stickers were about FERRETS. She even had a license plate frame about ferret farming or ferret rights or ferret fucking or something. Bumper sticker sticking out in memory: “Happiness is holding a ferret”. Fuck. Too bad I wasn’t blogging this summer when I was stuck behind the freak with Koala Bear shit all over her car – including vanity koala bear license plate. I wont tell you what it was (as that would identify her) but take my word for it: it was fucking stupid. Bumper stickers like “I [heart] koala bears” and “I brake for Koalas”. You hit the brakes for them do you? We have lots of crazy shit on NJ roads – jug handles, orange cone displays, New York drivers – but so far there’s been no Koala-slalom events forcing us to brake for a pack/herd/gaggle/whatever of fuzzy critters eating bamboo in the middle of I-95.
Anyway sorry this was about Christmas. So Christmas forces all these assholes out onto the safe highways and byways of America. Ladies, if you can’t handle your big SUV or minivan, get a fucking Mini. To be fair, around this time of year there’s a ton of assholes in $15,000 Hyundais with $45,000 of wheels, lights, and other shit bolted on to them that also feel the need to go cruising up to the local mall. Guys, if you need to “customize” your car, you have a small dick. That’s what that means. You lose guy-points if you drive anything neon-colored. You lose testosterone when you put in a custom muffler. You slowly become a WOMAN DRIVER. The proof is that all these “The Fast and the Furious” wannabes drive just as bad as the housewives in the school buses. And unlike the SUVs which take up two spots due to girth, they take up 2 spots deliberately… so that no one scratches their “ride”. Fuck you STAY HOME.
I won’t even start on actually going into a mall around the holidays. I used to work retail, and I can’t describe the level of disdain and hostility felt towards annoying customers. The entire mall is like Cliff Yablonski’s website come alive.
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