War on Christmas - the road to victory part II

Now I’m really starting to hate Christmas. Particularly that fact that every housewife with the attention span of a hyperactive puppy and an SUV the size of a school bus is out on the damn roads, causing traffic and making it impossible to drive around the mall parking lot (let alone actually park). I spent half an hour in traffic behind some idiot bitch in an GMC Environmental Holocaust® or whatever that 6-mpg thing is, with freaking bumper stickers all over it. I’m so pissed it was already dark and the picture I tried to take with my camera phone didn’t come out – you might not believe this nonsense without the photographic evidence. All 6 of the bumper stickers were about FERRETS. She even had a license plate frame about ferret farming or ferret rights or ferret fucking or something. Bumper sticker sticking out in memory: “Happiness is holding a ferret”. Fuck. Too bad I wasn’t blogging this summer when I was stuck behind the freak with Koala Bear shit all over her car – including vanity koala bear license plate. I wont tell you what it was (as that would identify her) but take my word for it: it was fucking stupid. Bumper stickers like “I [heart] koala bears” and “I brake for Koalas”. You hit the brakes for them do you? We have lots of crazy shit on NJ roads – jug handles, orange cone displays, New York drivers – but so far there’s been no Koala-slalom events forcing us to brake for a pack/herd/gaggle/whatever of fuzzy critters eating bamboo in the middle of I-95.

Anyway sorry this was about Christmas. So Christmas forces all these assholes out onto the safe highways and byways of America. Ladies, if you can’t handle your big SUV or minivan, get a fucking Mini. To be fair, around this time of year there’s a ton of assholes in $15,000 Hyundais with $45,000 of wheels, lights, and other shit bolted on to them that also feel the need to go cruising up to the local mall. Guys, if you need to “customize” your car, you have a small dick. That’s what that means. You lose guy-points if you drive anything neon-colored. You lose testosterone when you put in a custom muffler. You slowly become a WOMAN DRIVER. The proof is that all these “The Fast and the Furious” wannabes drive just as bad as the housewives in the school buses. And unlike the SUVs which take up two spots due to girth, they take up 2 spots deliberately… so that no one scratches their “ride”. Fuck you STAY HOME.

I won’t even start on actually going into a mall around the holidays. I used to work retail, and I can’t describe the level of disdain and hostility felt towards annoying customers. The entire mall is like Cliff Yablonski’s website come alive.

War on Christmas - the road to victory

I'm far from being a religious nut (though most Arabs strapping on a bomb vest or rednecks shooting at abortion clinics probably think the same thing) but I'm getting pretty pissed off at the whole "War on Christmas" people are bitching about. First of all just on principle: it's ok to say "Merry Christmas". It's also OK to say "Merry Fucking Christmas" but probably not in the same context. What pisses me off is the PC way in which we all half-heartedly wish each other “Happy Holidays” and nonsense like that. Who got offended by Christmas? Would I ever freak out if the window-licking high school dropout ringing me up at Wal-Mart said “Hey dude, have a chill Diwali”? No, because I’m better than most of you PC freaks (I’m only 80% as good as you PCP freaks though).

Today I’m walking out of the neighborhood TGI Friday’s and the hostess shoots me a “Thank you, and enjoy the season” from behind her vapid eyes and lax smile. Enjoy the season? FUCK YOU! I live in NJ – the season is fucking cold! I shot back a “Merry Christmas” with a silent “bitch” attached to it. She’s out there driving tonight. And she gets to vote. What freaks me out is not only that this peon in the Fridays chain of command said this, but that there’s a corporate lawyer somewhere that drafted the phrase and approved it. THAT person is driving the same roads we are, and they vote. Scary.

I don’t celebrate Christmas in the “let’s go to church and feel bad about Jesus” way, I celebrate it in the orgy of consumerism that is the American way of life. Yet I find myself wishing people “Merry Christmas” more than I ever did this year. A victory for the red-staters? Not really, since now I’m doing it without mirth, and with a heavy dose of disdain. Every “Merry Christmas” I utter is now tinged with bitter resentment at the sad state of politically correct affairs that resulted in an official media term being created: War on Christmas. Fuck that. Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukah, and whatever else you celebrate. Just get me a gift.

You've got to fight the big man

NY transit strike called off - Yahoo! News

Good.

Eat the unions

Man, if I had my way, the TWU would be burned at the stake. Hopefully the silver lining in the debacle that is this strike will be one more nail in the coffin of this ignorant greedy hive of communists known as a “union”. How big do your balls have to be? I demand a raise, and to prove I deserve it, I’m not showing up for work tomorrow! Some ranting socialist actually posted these numbers in a NYT blog:

TWU salaries average 47,500, compared to the nationwide average of 45,000 for
White Collar jobs (degreed professionals), and low wage, hourly jobs average
about 20,000. Clearly, on the basis of wages alone, the TWU cannot complain
about pay. Additionally, most Americans contribute more than 2% to benefits –
not including a pension plan.

What? $47500?? With no pension and benefit costs?? For handing out tokens? For driving a bus? How much do teachers make? For that matter how much do soldiers make? Hell, how much is a starting salary for a lawyer or journalist?? Screw business school – I’ll be the guy who announces “please stand clear of the closing doors” for $47500 in real wages! And now they want a RAISE? That makes as much sense as paying some schmuck $65/hour for mowing a lawn… oh wait… that’s the UAW…

Addiction is a [lame] state of mind...

Crap! This shit is like crack. All of a sudden I'm on friendster, multiply, linkedin, and myspace. And for what? I mean it's not like I'm the only schmuck on these sites - there's bazillions - but haven't we jumped the shark with all this networking/blogging/hey-look-at-me-and-rate-my-toungering stuff?