The solution to the financial crisis

Wow, am I relieved. After a harrowing 2008, when it seemed nobody knew how to even approach the financial crisis, relief is here! We've finally figured it out, through the combined efforts of the brightest minds in finance, government, academia, and meth production.

For months, our leaders were chasing the problem down dead ends, but now they know where to look. The global financial crisis is apparently caused by... JOHN THAIN'S RUG! That's right dear reader, you were probably fooled, as I was, as our government was, into thinking the problem was in fact the Citi corporate jet. But in hindsight it's so lucid! A jet couldn't cause banks to fail! Only an $80k rug can do that!

Now that we know the culprit, we can get to work. The other problems will sort themselves out; Andy Cuomo will "get back" the compensation from the financial industry, Obama will give a speech condemning greed and profits (check), Republicans will make sure everything's still ok with Jesus (who keeps a close eye on finance), and Joe Biden will keep doing...whatever it is that he does for a living.

Meanwhile, Ken Lewis will destroy the evil rug by burning it in effigy on the White House lawn. There will be spontaneous demonstrations of party workers voicing their gratitude and joy. Then POOF! Crisis solved! Oh and somehow Pelosi will work free birth control into this - I'm not sure how but it seems to be the right thing to do.

Hope is here!

NYT: The Bacon Explosion

I'm actually sitting here thinking of an intro to this (along the lines of "sweet christ!") But nothing really seems appropriate. This is the NYT article re the Bacon Explosion. This is exactly what america needs!

Hopefully the mobile link works on your computer, but you can search NYT for "bacon explosion".

update: I've replaced the non-working mobile link with this http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/dining/28bacon.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink working link...

Be the "change" you want to see

So the country has made a call for change, and the supposed change should've started this week after inagurationpalooza. Change means many things to different people. I, for example, this about the "hard working Americans" I interact with daily, and wish change on many of them.

Specifically, I wish the guy who drives the shuttle bus from the train to my car - who decided he was going to call it a night early and go drinking - would "change". He's not being beaten with a highway cone, and I'd like that to change. He's not being anally deflowered by a rabid shetland pony, and I'd like that to change. He's not getting a full body poison ivy wrap before being tied in a sack, and I'd like that to change.

Frankly he's not doing his job very well and I'd love for that to change too. While the odometer says its only 1.5 miles (which I walked in 20 minutes) it still sucked. It was late, I'd had some drinks, my foot hurts, and oh by the way it's January so it was f'ng cold. Marching a mile in the cold and dark is something reserved for soldiers in training or POWs or homeless people.

Plus my blackberry died so I had to wait hours to post this rant.

D-bags abound

I used to think that duchebags were deserving of sympathy. But now I think that duchebags, while sad, lonely, creepy people, are to blame for their own conditions. Its a vicious spiral. The same things that cause them to be duchebaggy and lonely are the things they turn to to alleviate that sad lonely creepyness.

For example, the duchebag in the seat on front of me on the trains is a tool. He's got long hair and looks like he hasn't showered since the election. Smells pretty bad too. This all (almost assuredly) adds up to him being a lonely loser. So what does he do to help the situation? He's sitting there playing with a doll.

Yes, a little anime character doll, a girl with a sword an maybe some demon wings. It has a little stand attached so that he could presumably find just the right pose, and display her proudly. He's practicing poses right now. I have no way of knowing but I suspect this is not greasy-boy's first anime doll. Do I feel sorry for this duchebag? No, because he chose to exacerbate his duchey condition by publicly playing with a creepy doll.

And yes he looks like one of the Trenchcoat Mafia from Columbine. This is what my fellow commuters are subjected to.

Recurring themes

I just realized I have a limited repertoire of punchlines for jokes. They all seem to be using prison, the crystal meth diet, animal husbandry, and heroin as themes. I need to branch out.

Play 60

This summer I spent an awesome day with Eli Manning! He taught us how to hold the ball, catch, even run a "fade route"! The other 4th graders and I picked him off twice and held him to a QB rating below 35. Punk.

(Not) Light on my feet

So I have to get physical therapy for an inflamed tendon in my foot. My wife wanted me to ask the doctor if this "is caused by me being too fat".

When I asked him, he laughed, but then said "well, if you were lighter it would probably make it hurt less". This coming from a guy definitely above 250 and wearing a hawaiian shirt in January. Then we talked about meatballs.

Oh and apparently I stand duck-footed, and everyone knew this but me. Thanks for not telling me, especially since I make fun of duck-footed people and animals (except actual ducks, they can't help it).

PS today someone told me they "love coming home and reading about my problems". I hadn't realized my problems were prolific enough to entertain on a recurring basis, but when I read some of my own blog posts... Yeah I'm kind of an unintentional freakshow.