I'm far from being a religious nut (though most Arabs strapping on a bomb vest or rednecks shooting at abortion clinics probably think the same thing) but I'm getting pretty pissed off at the whole "War on Christmas" people are bitching about. First of all just on principle: it's ok to say "Merry Christmas". It's also OK to say "Merry Fucking Christmas" but probably not in the same context. What pisses me off is the PC way in which we all half-heartedly wish each other “Happy Holidays” and nonsense like that. Who got offended by Christmas? Would I ever freak out if the window-licking high school dropout ringing me up at Wal-Mart said “Hey dude, have a chill Diwali”? No, because I’m better than most of you PC freaks (I’m only 80% as good as you PCP freaks though).
Today I’m walking out of the neighborhood TGI Friday’s and the hostess shoots me a “Thank you, and enjoy the season” from behind her vapid eyes and lax smile. Enjoy the season? FUCK YOU! I live in NJ – the season is fucking cold! I shot back a “Merry Christmas” with a silent “bitch” attached to it. She’s out there driving tonight. And she gets to vote. What freaks me out is not only that this peon in the Fridays chain of command said this, but that there’s a corporate lawyer somewhere that drafted the phrase and approved it. THAT person is driving the same roads we are, and they vote. Scary.
I don’t celebrate Christmas in the “let’s go to church and feel bad about Jesus” way, I celebrate it in the orgy of consumerism that is the American way of life. Yet I find myself wishing people “Merry Christmas” more than I ever did this year. A victory for the red-staters? Not really, since now I’m doing it without mirth, and with a heavy dose of disdain. Every “Merry Christmas” I utter is now tinged with bitter resentment at the sad state of politically correct affairs that resulted in an official media term being created: War on Christmas. Fuck that. Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukah, and whatever else you celebrate. Just get me a gift.
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