Wow, am I relieved. After a harrowing 2008, when it seemed nobody knew how to even approach the financial crisis, relief is here! We've finally figured it out, through the combined efforts of the brightest minds in finance, government, academia, and meth production.
For months, our leaders were chasing the problem down dead ends, but now they know where to look. The global financial crisis is apparently caused by... JOHN THAIN'S RUG! That's right dear reader, you were probably fooled, as I was, as our government was, into thinking the problem was in fact the Citi corporate jet. But in hindsight it's so lucid! A jet couldn't cause banks to fail! Only an $80k rug can do that!
Now that we know the culprit, we can get to work. The other problems will sort themselves out; Andy Cuomo will "get back" the compensation from the financial industry, Obama will give a speech condemning greed and profits (check), Republicans will make sure everything's still ok with Jesus (who keeps a close eye on finance), and Joe Biden will keep doing...whatever it is that he does for a living.
Meanwhile, Ken Lewis will destroy the evil rug by burning it in effigy on the White House lawn. There will be spontaneous demonstrations of party workers voicing their gratitude and joy. Then POOF! Crisis solved! Oh and somehow Pelosi will work free birth control into this - I'm not sure how but it seems to be the right thing to do.
Hope is here!
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