And my new favorite Archer episode is...

El Sequestro from season 2! Not least because this was tattooed on Pam's back:

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed:
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!

Season two isn't on DVD yet, but if you haven't seen this show, WATCH IT NOW.  Archer: Season 1

C'mon, how many cartoons are quoting Lord Byron?

Search Fail

This is stupid. Bad design like this annoys me. This is really the set of default date ranges your product offers?

The worst driveway contractor experience ... ever

This is a review of All-New Paving and Concrete, (732) 288-1700 based in Tom's River.

This company is dreadful. I say this knowing that negative reviews can really impact a small business, and I’m not out looking to maliciously hurt a local owner. I take negative reviews very seriously. However, *avoid* All New Paving. Why? Well, how do you judge the quality of any contractor?

1. give an honest, accurate quote
2. show up on time to do the work
3. complete the project with quality results
4. clean up afterward

Fail, Fail, Fail, and Fail.

We initially contracted for repaving the driveway while another contractor did some paving work around it; then, they pitched us to also do the paving work and eventually we gave them the second job. He was very responsive when trying to *get* the job – then… silence. Yes, I know, shame on me for giving a deposit of more than a minimal amount. We had to hound him for WEEKS to get him to show up and do the job. That’s not hyperbole; it was weeks of excuses mixed with long periods of not returning calls. Then, when he finally shows up: “oh, it looks like you need an extra layer of asphalt – that’s an extra $1,100.” At this point of course the driveway is torn up, so we’re in a bind.

BTW an extra 1100 blows the budget off the project (almost an extra 20%), so now we need to negotiate him “working with us” to absorb the extra unforeseen cost. He agrees to let us pay the difference from the original “estimate” in another installment 10 days later, but demands a post-dated check! Because the budget is blown, we change the paving project to a replacement of the retaining walls on either side of the driveway (get rid of the railroad ties and replace with stone). He then tried to get more cash on the spot for more materials – umm, no.

Then when the job is “finished” there are large gaps between the new wall and the rest of the property… more than enough for someone to snap an ankle. There’s a big hole in the new retaining wall where it ties to the existing step. There’s landscaping that was removed and not put back. And my favorite – there’s a giant pile of the railroad ties sitting on my lawn. Right on the lawn in front of my house. ON THE F’NG LAWN. For another week!

The only reason this stuff got fixed is because we canceled that post-dated check for the balance. Good thing too, since he tried to cash it early. Do we really have to hold the money hostage to get the job completed? Apparently, yes. But you shouldn’t have to.
Well, you say: maybe this reviewer is just a bitter curmudgeon, who is so anal-retentive and OCD that he blows tiniest smudges out of proportion – maybe the above litany of errors is all in my head? I retort: Judge for yourself… pics are below.

note the giant gap between the wall and the step...

Here's a closer look. Does that look "done" to you?

Is that big enough for a toddler to hurt themselves? Yep.

On my GD lawn. What do you think the grass underneath that pile looks like?

You're nasty. You know who you are.

If there's a hell, there's a special room in it for people who go to the bathroom and don't wash their hands. But, many are unaware that there is a slightly smaller, adjacent hellroom for people who go to the bathroom and wash their hands without using soap! Especially when it's RIGHT THERE.

A pillar of (kosher) salt

Oh my god. No, I mean “OH MY GOD”. Not in the devout religionist sort of way, but in the “OH MY GOD MY BRAIN IS OOZING OUT OF MY EARS TO ESCAPE THE STUPIDITY THAT MY EYES FORCED IT TO INGEST”. What the F is wrong with people? It’s clear that generally, to be religious, one needs some degree of ignorance and gullibility. The degree varies, but has to be more than 0. For example, Huckabee and Mullah Omar would be on the way more than 0 side. What is unclear, however, is how that ignorance and gullibility (while usually repelling initiative and free thought) seems to sometimes bring on violent dry-heaves of ingenuity. For example, while most religionists are too lazy to do anything other than penetrate small boys or stone women to death, Mel Gibson goes through a lot of effort to make his jesusfilms.

Another example, and the one that set me off this morning, is jesussalt. It’s not called jesussalt but it should be. It’s called Blessed Christian Salt. OUCH my brain just sizzled a bit more from typing the words. Let me explain. You see, there’s an ignorant jackass named Joe Godlewski. Joe has devoted his life to doing three things, and doing them well.

First, Joe loves himself some hot, fresh Jesus.
Second, Joe hates Jews.
Third, Joe loves to cut hair. Or he did until he retired.

And here in lies Joe’s conundrum. How can he stay true to his ideals of loving Jesus and hating Jews (the hair thing I guess is immaterial) while every day, some innocent Christian child can turn on that godless box called a TV, and be subjected to some TV chef talking about KOSHER SALT? Get it? Kosher salt is clearly not jesussalt, it’s jewsalt. What if the kid sees Emeril sprinkling some Kosher salt on a cod or spider monkey or whatever? The kid may try the salt himself and then PRESTO! Eternal Damnation.

So Joe becomes proactive to solve the conundrum. He doesn’t call for banning kosher salt, or censoring TV chefs. No sir! Not Joe the Barber! He goes out and created his very own BLESSED CHRISTIAN SALT. No, it’s not made of blessed Christians! It’s salt. Blessed. By a Christian. See how that works?

Here’s the article from slashfood (http://www.slashfood.com/2009/03/04/christian-izing-salt-is-just-not-kosher/), which also links to the examiner.com story that brought us this wonderfulness.

I really hope this is just an internet hoax that I’ve been duped by. But it seems jesusy and stupid enough that it could be real. People make stupid Jesus products all the time.

Be the "change" you want to see

So the country has made a call for change, and the supposed change should've started this week after inagurationpalooza. Change means many things to different people. I, for example, this about the "hard working Americans" I interact with daily, and wish change on many of them.

Specifically, I wish the guy who drives the shuttle bus from the train to my car - who decided he was going to call it a night early and go drinking - would "change". He's not being beaten with a highway cone, and I'd like that to change. He's not being anally deflowered by a rabid shetland pony, and I'd like that to change. He's not getting a full body poison ivy wrap before being tied in a sack, and I'd like that to change.

Frankly he's not doing his job very well and I'd love for that to change too. While the odometer says its only 1.5 miles (which I walked in 20 minutes) it still sucked. It was late, I'd had some drinks, my foot hurts, and oh by the way it's January so it was f'ng cold. Marching a mile in the cold and dark is something reserved for soldiers in training or POWs or homeless people.

Plus my blackberry died so I had to wait hours to post this rant.

Stay in school, kids

This post on one of the blogs I follow (www.controlledgreed.com) got me a little stirred up. It's titled "College a waste of time and money?" There was a similarly-themed question on linkedin.com this week asking "Is it derogatory to be a college dropout?". While both threads include valid points, especially the "opportunity cost" of going to college balanced against the incremental return, I have to call bullshit.

If you plan on working in the corporate world, formal education is essential. If you're planning on being an entrepreneur and starting your own business, corporate experience is important; it gives you an edge over other entrepreneurs, bith in the networking aspect as well as exposure to those elements you think you don't like. "I don't want to wear a suit and have a boss!" How do you know you don't? Because MTV told you it's not cool, or because you tried it and learned that about yourself? Of course, if you plan on starting a band, or being an artist, or a professional adventurer, or missionary, you can probably skip college. I made the comments below in response to the controlledgreed post; I wonder what others would say ion the subject... Am I being too old-fashioned in my belief that going to business school and working on ridiculous projects with teams of people you don't know and may not like teaches you important skills?

Sorry folks, you can talk about alternatives to education, but I work in financial services (and technology for financial services before that) and I will not hire you or your kids without a college degree. Also I would not have been hired in any job I had without it. At least you need to explain why you didn't go: "I needed to support my family, so couldn't afford it, but 6 months in a trade school got me a job" is acceptable. "I don't believe in the concept that I'd have to take Literature when I'm more of a science guy" is not. I agree that the quality of your education is critical, and socialization plays into that quality - hence the University of Phoenix MBAs get less credit in my book - but education is required. Mind you it doesn't guarantee success, just gets you in the door. Without it, enjoy your alternatives.

Goal abdication

It's Friday. Not too long ago, I'd be zipping in to work, going to the gym before starting my non-stop action-packed day, eager to get through it so I could hit the gym for a bit after work and shower before going out. I'd go out in the city, usually not before 9pm, drinking like it was free, getting home whenever.

Now I'm just hoping to get through today, go home and eat meatloaf.

Overheard in New York: The Voice of the City

Overheard in New York: The Voice of the City

This is seriously one of the funniest things I look at on the internet. People not from the City will also laugh, but it'll be like when kids and adults watch the Simpsons together, and laugh at different parts of the show...

Beef Jerkey time

Crap. As i suspected I completely lost track of this blog thing. Not that anyone even remotly reads it, but it's important to generate my 2 page views a day for the google ads. At this rate i can retire on google adsense money right after the solar system dies. This is kind of like talkting to myself, but talking to myself while self-concious of spelling errors, and forgetting a password.

So Merry New Year! Beef Jerkey time! So far 2006 has been voted "Best Year Yet" by the secret commitee run by the Pope, CarrotTop, and Jacques Cousteau. I've been assured by my wife's astrologer acquaintance that I'll come into a BUNCH of money this year. So far I've won my football pool (The Fawn Leibowitz Memorial Football Pool). I can't retire on my winnings but boy can I get drunk.

Addiction is a [lame] state of mind...

Crap! This shit is like crack. All of a sudden I'm on friendster, multiply, linkedin, and myspace. And for what? I mean it's not like I'm the only schmuck on these sites - there's bazillions - but haven't we jumped the shark with all this networking/blogging/hey-look-at-me-and-rate-my-toungering stuff?