Worst Christmas Gifts, Ever!

Every winter, I like to revisit this compendium at somethingawful.com (http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=440). The most wonderful thing abou this list is it's [probably] all true.

Goal abdication

It's Friday. Not too long ago, I'd be zipping in to work, going to the gym before starting my non-stop action-packed day, eager to get through it so I could hit the gym for a bit after work and shower before going out. I'd go out in the city, usually not before 9pm, drinking like it was free, getting home whenever.

Now I'm just hoping to get through today, go home and eat meatloaf.

Make Patriot Day a Federal Holiday? Nope.

Tara blogs about a national time-off holiday for 9/11 here

Since news coverage of the anniversary was almost inescapable, the same question occurred to me – should “Patriot Day” be an officially-observed holiday? Though I was there that day and almost lost my wife (then fiancée) and father in the attacks, I wonder if our standard day-off-from-work-for-a-bbq way of commemorating events is appropriate. After all, how many of us remember the solemn meaning behind Memorial Day: it’s not just about a department store sales event.

I believe that what is truly needed cannot be legislated on to the calendar: a national day of outrage.

In our overly-sensitive, politically-correct, “don’t want to offend” society we focus on mourning and remembrance; we forget that these attacks were committed by people who consider America a land of people that feel neither pride nor rage. Abandoning these fundamental emotions and the impassioned response they engender (or should) emboldens those who would attack us again. That was a painful lesson of Pearl Harbor; too bad we had to learn it again 5 years ago. Having a day off to “commemorate” probably won’t help us out – neither as individuals nor as society – in the long run.

I hate "Constant Gardener"

Constant Gardener

Drivel is not a word I frequently use, but I will be generous in it’s application here. The word applies to the disappointing demagogic movie that stole two hours of my life, which I’ll never get back. “Constant Gardner” is a half-hearted attempt at leftist propaganda; you walk away with the feeling that they’re not even trying anymore. I expected a suspenseful, “gritty” (another word I don’t like), violent British drama, replete with interesting multifaceted characters… something like Layer Cake or The Lime or something by Guy Ritchie. Instead this was a tepid diatribe against the EEEEEVVVVVIIIILL pharmaceutical companies. Apparently the filmmakers are shocked – SHOCKED! – to discover that drug companies intend to turn a profit. The evil in question in the film is about a drug company that has the audacity to test a TB drug in Africa while daring to insist that Africans actually pay for name brand drugs for AIDS. Apparently the moral course of action is to test the drugs on Europeans, and then *give* them away to the Africans, who are all portrayed as inept and dying, or corrupt and greedy. The film never addresses who will actually create new drugs when the pharma company that does this goes out of business, but hey that’s someone else’s problem.

Besides being an unwitting example of a Randian “looter” philosophy put to film, Constant Gardner had the unintended consequence of reinforcing to me how horrid a place Africa is; apparently it is comprised exclusively (according to this film) of dying babies, AIDS-infested villagers, rampaging “tribesmen” (the film was made before the word Janjaweed joined our vocabulary), rich colonial oppressors replete with British accents and black servants, and all forms of gruesome death. While Rachel Weisz and Ralph Fiennes give their usual excellent performances, their characters are shallow and one-dimensional and don’t do the actors justice.

Evolution opponents lose in Kan. primary

Evolution opponents lose in Kan. primary - Yahoo! News

I haven't ranted in a while but man, this story set me off. I'm not pissed that the Jesus-freaks lost - far from it. I'm pissed that they still get so much respect.

"Late-night comedians have been making cracks about Kansas, portraying it
as backward and ignorant. "

What, like it's not? Look, I'm sorry if you live in Kansas. I'm sorry if you live in the Midwest. The reason I'm sorry is that you might be a very nice person, but are still a backwards hick. I know I know, there's big cities in Kansas, and all across the Midwest; India-no-place is much more cosmopolitan than I think; I'm just an east-coast snob. I've heard all this before. And yes, when I was in Omaha, everyone was very nice, but face it: when Midwesterners tell you that their place in the Midwest is not an ignorant backwater, it's like people with cats trying to convince you that their cat is different, their cat is more like a dog, their cat doesn't make them gay... Not only are these corn-fed Taliban trying to alter the basic realities of science (the Onion did a barely-satirical piece about "intelligent falling"), but they're also the people that protest at soldiers' funerals about how "God hates fags". God doesn't hate fags, he hates Kansas. That's why Kansas gets tornados and Manhattan gets to make fun of Kansas.

I hate the Midwest. I hate Kansas. I hate cats. And so do you.

Rep. Gutierrez Proposes Citizenship Effort - Yahoo! News

Rep. Gutierrez Proposes Citizenship Effort - Yahoo! News

Man, I wish they'd stop referring to these people as "immigrants". I'm an immigrant. My family came here legally, earned citizenship, and no one sat on welfare. As you can tell by reading this in English, we all made a [successful] effort to learn the language. Was it easy? Nope. Did it take a long and frustrating time? Yep. Was it better than hopping the fence and *demanding* citizenship? Yes.

Illegal aliens are not immigrants any more than a burglar is a tenant.

Overheard in New York: The Voice of the City

Overheard in New York: The Voice of the City

This is seriously one of the funniest things I look at on the internet. People not from the City will also laugh, but it'll be like when kids and adults watch the Simpsons together, and laugh at different parts of the show...

Military supporters outnumber protesters from anti-gay group - Thursday, 02/09/06

Military supporters outnumber protesters from anti-gay group - Thursday, 02/09/06

Why are these "people" referred to as a church, yet the Branch Davidians were referred to a cult?

I ate all the rest, and now I've got to eat you...

The Stu-Pit BBQ Team Home Page

One of the things I'm particularly proud of is my contribution to evolution. My ancestors spent millions of years scratching and clawing their way to the top of the food chain, and now that I'm here I'm particularly good at eating other things. Specifically I like BBQ. My friend and fraternity brother Dirty Bill turned out to confound all of us who knew him, and actually demonstrated value to society by becoming a BBQ guru. He's the Ayatollah of the Stu-Pit BBQ team, and you can check out this grotesque display of humanity at http://www.stu-pit.com/.

Galloway attacks his Big Brother critics

Guardian Unlimited Politics Special Reports Galloway attacks his Big Brother critics

What's truly terrifying is not that men like George Galloway exist - we've seen many ranting lunatics in the media and politics, on both sides of the Atlantic. Nor is the terrifying thing comprised of the various public sentiments that he's espoused, nor the type of nightmarish world he envisions should his policies be adopted - repulsive as all those things are.

The disturbingly awful thing about George Galloway is that there is an entire constituency of people that actually voted for him. A localized population that, amongst all available choices, said "this is the best man to speak for us!"

I'm not familiar with Bethnal Green, and I've never been there. But I suggest to all residents of neighboring British communities to demand an inquiry into whether hallucinogenic drugs are regularly pumped into the groundwater there. Or perhaps it's a giant enclosed mental asylum, like a penal-colony for the deranged? Or maybe Bethnal Green is a big reality-TV project produced by Fox, where the citizens are all contestants to see who could be zanier politically?

Beef Jerkey time

Crap. As i suspected I completely lost track of this blog thing. Not that anyone even remotly reads it, but it's important to generate my 2 page views a day for the google ads. At this rate i can retire on google adsense money right after the solar system dies. This is kind of like talkting to myself, but talking to myself while self-concious of spelling errors, and forgetting a password.

So Merry New Year! Beef Jerkey time! So far 2006 has been voted "Best Year Yet" by the secret commitee run by the Pope, CarrotTop, and Jacques Cousteau. I've been assured by my wife's astrologer acquaintance that I'll come into a BUNCH of money this year. So far I've won my football pool (The Fawn Leibowitz Memorial Football Pool). I can't retire on my winnings but boy can I get drunk.